I have always struggled with my weight. I thought I was HUGE when I was a teen and in my early 20s. I went on my first diet at age 13…. The Scarsdale Diet. I will never ever forget the taste of diet lemonade that back in the 80s tasted like a weird chemical version of a Shweppes Lemonade! Bleurgh……
In my 20s I went through the body image crises that many long term dieters may be familiar with, always critical of my appearance, always embarking on some new fad diet, exercising obsessively, dabbling in prescription drugs in a vain attempt to skinny up and feeling proud when I could see my ribs in my chest. There is no point hiding it, its called an eating disorder, but I thought I had it all under control. I got so thin that my hips protruded so much they looked like shoulder blades. I was shaky all the time, I could not sleep properly, I felt physically weak but strangely strong at the same time. I look back at photos from then now and wonder how on earth I could have thought I was so monstrously overweight.
In my 30s the weight crept on, slowly at first then with a vengeance after a particularly nasty relationship breakup at an unbelievably stressful time in my academic life. At this time, I was embarking on the PhD I am about to complete, where I was to spend the next few months in a developing nation. A killer combination of a dodgy gut and poor sanitation had me sick as a dog the entire time I was away from home and I returned a shadow of my former self. I had not lost weight in a sensible or long term way, I had basically wasted away due to diarrhoea and vomiting for months on end.
But WOW it felt so good to be thinner again! I knew in my heart of hearts that to maintain my sudden weight loss I was going to have to work hard and I did…..for a while. I ate sensibly and exercised moderately. I met my amazing husband, we married and settled into a comfortable and delicious life filled with good food, good wine, good beer and good company. And here is the sucker punch. I stopped exercising. A litany of excuses crept in to my life, some legitimate and others transparantly weak. I made poor eating decisions, favouring full flavours and huge portions and really partied it up. And again the weight crept on. And on, and on, and on….
When I started this I was 88.8kg. You might not think that is outrageous but I’M SHORT! LIKE REALLY SHORT! I was no longer curvy. My husband was calling me ‘pudding’ which is cute but dammit I WANT TO BE SEXY! AND LEAN!
I LOST 4.8kg in the month I took charge of my health and weight, which is a mind-blowingly good start.
I have a huge goal and I think its going to be very hard to reach and maintain. Its going to take determination and me taking charge of my decisions. I also know that the first flush of success is no guarantee of future gains so I’m developing lots of strategies for staying positive and keeping it in perspective. Im going to keep it real. Im going to take it slowly and I’m going to make it last this time.
I worry about that feeling of wanting to be smaller and smaller and I am going to stay strong and recognise my limits. That feeling of ‘hyper dieter” I experienced through my eating disorder in my early 20s sucked and don’t want to feel like that ever again!!!
Im just happy its working and its easy and not freaking me out. To be honest I think its the first time in ages that I have felt confident of the changes in the perception of me and my body that will come with losing weight. Sounds a bit airy fairy but I think in the past I have been scared of explaining it – both the how and most importantly the why of losing weight which has always held me back.
So this dieting thing is working out. I like it 🙂 I feel so determined to reach my goal weight, and having a blog to unofficially report to each week makes me really want to work hard at it. I’m feeling better and better all the time and not getting bored which is vital for me with food.
Its also getting easier to run, lets face it, hauling around extra weight hurts when you are pounding the pavement…. So thats it, the barest bones that I can share.